Some may question why I chose the photo of myself for the blog. Surely there’s a better photo than that. True. I’m sure
there is [this isn’t my best side], but in this moment, this photographer saw me THIS WAY. I can only imagine that others saw me the same way. We can’t really know that to be certain. Only those who saw me this night would be able to say. I choose it as my reality photo [but maybe that’s not fair. There is just bad photography but I don’t want to be in denial if it’s really me]. I’m sure there could be opportunities for worse (if you were a fly on the wall in my house), but wouldn’t that be true of everyone.
Well, this isn’t about everyone else. This battle is mine, and I want to improve this woman. The only part I want to improve is the body part [and of course any wrong thinking and behavior that allowed me to get here]. Smaller. Healthier. Not for the photographer and not for the others who saw me that night, but FOR ME.
My friend Crystal is going to stroke when she reads this, but look, I’m just getting real here. It doesn’t help me to deny what is so, but at the same time, I am not speaking this into being. I am calling a spade a spade and doing something about that. I don’t want to look like a blob. Wow Margie, that sounds awfully negative. Well my dears, that is the reality of my perception of this photo. There’s no definition to my body, and [negative thinking will not help me get there! This is how I felt in the moment that I was writing this post, but reading it now, I can give this woman (mother of an almost 2 year old at the time of this photo) a break. Yes,] I want there to be definition [in my body, and after this post edit, I want there to be definition in my heart and mind as well]. Only I can do something about that.
This isn’t something I feel bad about. I don’t sit around and cry about it. I have cried about the things I feel brought me to this point. My degree is in psychology, so I am the queen of psychoanalyzing myself. For me, that’s good. I have changed SO MUCH over the past 5 years or so. I’m talking about those things that get stuck in your memory and haunt you. I’m talking about that negative self-talk that so many of us do. I’m still guilty from time to time [as you see from the strike out above].
Through working on these things, I have reached the point where I do love what God has given me (even in its current condition), and I have so much to be thankful for. Now, I want to take care of it the way I know I should. I want to show respect to God for all that He’s given me. There are obstacles that try to trip me up on this one, but just as all of the other issues, I will get there. Thank you for joining me on my journey.